Stand By Me

Sometimes, when I’m having a dark day and I can’t see the light…I don’t really need you to try and put it on for me…What I really need is for you to sit with me in the darkness ’till it passes. That’s all. ~ Anonymous

What Jarrat had in his life were sorrow, stubbornness, silence, and work.

This month we will be exploring Wendell Berry’s Stand By Me. The narrator describes his brother Jarrat’s life like this: “he had a life ahead of him, it seemed like, that was a lot different from the life he in fact was going to live”. As long as Lettie, his wife lived, Jarrat was a happy man.

When Lettie got seriously ill, she no longer belonged to just her husband, she “began to belong to all of us.”

And then she died.  Their two boys “all of a sudden, instead of belonging just to her and Jarrat, belonged to us all. (Jarrat’s family and the greater community.) And I (Burley, Jarrat’s brother) was one of the ones that they belonged to. They belonged to me because I belonged to them. They thought so, and that made it so.”

Jarrat’s family and friends emotionally supported him and his boys through it all. What comes to the fore is the importance of a sense of belonging. Belonging is about acceptance as a member or a part of a greater whole. It’s about connection.

To make connection is a two way street. Reaching out to another through empathy and compassion is one side of the equation. The other is the willingness on the part of the one who is grieving and lonely to be open to be cared for.

The importance of belonging.

The sense of belonging is a basic human need like food and shelter. Feeling that we belong is important in one’s ability to see value in life and in coping with intensely painful emotions. Some find that belonging in a church, some with friends, some with family.

A sense of belonging to a greater community improves our health, happiness and well being.  When we feel our connection to others, we come to know that all people struggle and have difficult times. We are not alone. There is comfort in that knowledge.

Helping another to feel they belong

Brené Brown on Empathy vs. Sympathy

What is empathy? and why is it very different from sympathy?

Download the summary of her video. Brené says, “Empathy fuels connection Sympathy drives disconnection.”  Connection is made when we allow ourselves to emotionally engage with another.  This requires that we really feel what the other person is feeling.

Sympathy, on the other hand, means understanding someone else’s suffering. It’s more cognitive in nature and keeps a certain distance. Our brains are wired to avoid painful situations—ours and other’s.

Take away

“Sharing a listening, caring ear is something most people can do. When we feel heard, cared about, and understood, we also feel loved, accepted, and . . . belong.” – Kate Thieda MS, LPCA, NCC

 

Download reading materials from the red links above.